So I just wanted to update everyone. I've been working at my job, as well as taking 2 classes at The University at Buffalo.. They have both been difficult. I've been developing a wee bit of chronic pain from the years of elevated cortisol and adrenaline as well as whatever stress hormones are involved with inflammation. It's been difficult. Today I woke up with a bit of vertigo. I planned on taking the whole weekend to do restful things (like studying and getting the dog to the dog park. But mostly sitting on my delightful ass and resting). So it was a bit frustrating and alarming to be met with a difficult neurological condition to the start of my weekend.
I've been worrying if I can even do any of this. I hope that I can. School, I mean. Or even writing this blog. I've been less shaky from processing trauma, so I now have the physical and emotional wherewithal to maybe put down a few words here or there.
Let me just take a moment to write about low lovely and cute my dog looks right now. I just cleaned his blanket that I usually drape over his bed, but this time I wrapped him up in it. He's laying his head over the side of the bed, just an image of pure laziness and relaxation. He's my inspiration.
And we're back! I'm genuinely wondering if I have some mild ADHD issues, since it can be so difficult for me to read and continue a line of thought within writing. But I'm not gonna self diagnose on this one, nope.
Although I do get suicidal ideation that comes and goes, (and when it comes, its fucking terrifying and all consuming), but I find that if I continually take my mind's attention and put it on my body, my heart, where my soul resides, I can more fully process the experience. Now that means that it peaks, I fully feel the intense psychological and physical pain of it all, and then I come to an exhausted conclusion that a) I'm very sick and that b) my parents were complete shitheads. Sometimes there is a "c)" where I feel calmer and more released and more 'in my body'. But that isn't a given nor immediately following a difficult emotion. It might be a moment days later where I feel lighter and can notice where the cycles of emotion and feeling could have helped to produce this lighter state of being.
I hope to update this blog so much more in the coming weeks and months. I really want to record this somatic experiencing experience. I have the time and calmness now, I think. Anyways I've just been really proud of myself that I'm doing so much more than what I used to, even if it's much less than what an average student would be doing.
