So I just wanted to update everyone. I've been working at my job, as well as taking 2 classes at The University at Buffalo.. They have both been difficult. I've been developing a wee bit of chronic pain from the years of elevated cortisol and adrenaline as well as whatever stress hormones are involved with inflammation. It's been difficult. Today I woke up with a bit of vertigo. I planned on taking the whole weekend to do restful things (like studying and getting the dog to the dog park. But mostly sitting on my delightful ass and resting). So it was a bit frustrating and alarming to be met with a difficult neurological condition to the start of my weekend.
I've been worrying if I can even do any of this. I hope that I can. School, I mean. Or even writing this blog. I've been less shaky from processing trauma, so I now have the physical and emotional wherewithal to maybe put down a few words here or there.
Let me just take a moment to write about low lovely and cute my dog looks right now. I just cleaned his blanket that I usually drape over his bed, but this time I wrapped him up in it. He's laying his head over the side of the bed, just an image of pure laziness and relaxation. He's my inspiration.
And we're back! I'm genuinely wondering if I have some mild ADHD issues, since it can be so difficult for me to read and continue a line of thought within writing. But I'm not gonna self diagnose on this one, nope.
Although I do get suicidal ideation that comes and goes, (and when it comes, its fucking terrifying and all consuming), but I find that if I continually take my mind's attention and put it on my body, my heart, where my soul resides, I can more fully process the experience. Now that means that it peaks, I fully feel the intense psychological and physical pain of it all, and then I come to an exhausted conclusion that a) I'm very sick and that b) my parents were complete shitheads. Sometimes there is a "c)" where I feel calmer and more released and more 'in my body'. But that isn't a given nor immediately following a difficult emotion. It might be a moment days later where I feel lighter and can notice where the cycles of emotion and feeling could have helped to produce this lighter state of being.
I hope to update this blog so much more in the coming weeks and months. I really want to record this somatic experiencing experience. I have the time and calmness now, I think. Anyways I've just been really proud of myself that I'm doing so much more than what I used to, even if it's much less than what an average student would be doing.
Saturday, October 13, 2018
Tuesday, July 17, 2018
so depressed
This is about the 4 month mark for practicing somatic therapy on my own, and I've hit my goal: I am solidly and unequivocally depressed all the time. From what I can tell, my major mood shifts into hypomania have settled considerably, my suicidal thoughts have gone down, and my extreme restless feelings have abated mostly. It's been a goal and dream of mine for a long time, to be JUST depressed. I still have some black and white splitting from some of my aspects of borderline personality disorder (I don't qualify for a full diagnosis, but I do identify with some of the diagnostic list), but I am able to check in with friends and describe my experience and feel my way to a more logical standpoint.
Im waiting for some Danish pastry dough to rise, so I am very thankful that I had enough energy to start that project. Now, the dishes, ugh. I've also managed to enroll back into school. I need a degree and it's always been a dream of mine to be a therapist. I think that it's both a bit dodgy and excellent to have a diagnosis and pursue a degree in psychology, and eventually, my masters. Dodgy because of burnout and exposure to others' trauma, and excellent because lived experience does count.
Excuse me while I interrupt this blog to report that it feels like my soul has been ripped from my body and nothing remains.
Anywho, thats what depression feels like in general for me. Vast nothingness. And not in the peaceful, contemplative of the cosmos type feel. More like bombed out post WW2 feels.
And thats all that I can manage for this blog for today. I need to go fully feel my psychological pain now. I hope to wax poetic about all this a bit better but for now, this is my best.
Im waiting for some Danish pastry dough to rise, so I am very thankful that I had enough energy to start that project. Now, the dishes, ugh. I've also managed to enroll back into school. I need a degree and it's always been a dream of mine to be a therapist. I think that it's both a bit dodgy and excellent to have a diagnosis and pursue a degree in psychology, and eventually, my masters. Dodgy because of burnout and exposure to others' trauma, and excellent because lived experience does count.
Excuse me while I interrupt this blog to report that it feels like my soul has been ripped from my body and nothing remains.
Anywho, thats what depression feels like in general for me. Vast nothingness. And not in the peaceful, contemplative of the cosmos type feel. More like bombed out post WW2 feels.
And thats all that I can manage for this blog for today. I need to go fully feel my psychological pain now. I hope to wax poetic about all this a bit better but for now, this is my best.
Saturday, July 7, 2018
It's biological, baby
I'm finding such solace in knowing that my illness is biologically based, but not in the definition set out by psychiatry. There's isn't a set of pills that I can chemically plug into my particular brain chemistry and elicit a satisfactory life from. But the early childhood trauma that I have experienced absolutely set up my brain to be dysfunctional, with pills and CBT providing only band aid relief. Somatic Experiencing therapy to the rescue.
I almost have a sense of pride in knowing that my brain structure was forever altered from my childhood. It helps me to navigate the current mental health system with more ease. My self diagnosis of CPTSD (Complex PTSD; my nurse practitioner has given me the diagnosis of PTSD) has afforded me a particular clarity of both self esteem and mind. Because knowing that you're fucked up takes its toll on your self worth after awhile. Realizing that my unwanted idiosyncrasies and neurosis are biological and can't really be controlled gives me relief. Yet they ARE improving, slowly, with just being unconditionally present with them.
I'm always going to be in awe at how severely separated I was/am from my emotions. I'm realizing that I don't have socially acceptable emotions, either. Even while reading books on how to feel emotions and CPTSD, my experience doesn't really fit into their descriptions. I have a lot of disassociation as my core emotion. Beneath that, terror and indescribable fear. Plenty of insecurity. Some bitterness and rage that occasionally rises to the surface, but it's kept so deceptively covered by my disassociation that I forget that I have it a lot of the time. And when my rage and anger does come to the surface, it feels constipated and dulled and out of control at the same time. Some people can feel angry and generally know where it comes from, and can fully feel anger. My anger is a soupy, grey mix of many conflicting emotions that try and fight each other for suppression.
And this entire emotional dance is a perfectly logical response to the horror that I went through. I had to disassociate to distance myself from being both scared and disgusted at my immediate environment. I was scared out of my mind over what threat, criticism or death scenario was going to be thrown my way next. Insecure from both parents emotionally neglecting me. Bitterness and rage from it all, but I couldn't express any of it, lest I be punished even further.
Through nature and 'nurture' my particular brain chemistry was created. Intuitively I want to say that maybe 5% of my illness is truly genetic in nature, straight from my momma type scenario. Repeating the phrase, "My early childhood experiences created my brain structure, and it caused me to do/say that" is so much better than reverting to low self esteem thoughts. In fact low self esteem thoughts are biologically based responses as well. They aren't true; but they are just coping mechanisms that are easily accessed.
I almost have a sense of pride in knowing that my brain structure was forever altered from my childhood. It helps me to navigate the current mental health system with more ease. My self diagnosis of CPTSD (Complex PTSD; my nurse practitioner has given me the diagnosis of PTSD) has afforded me a particular clarity of both self esteem and mind. Because knowing that you're fucked up takes its toll on your self worth after awhile. Realizing that my unwanted idiosyncrasies and neurosis are biological and can't really be controlled gives me relief. Yet they ARE improving, slowly, with just being unconditionally present with them.
I'm always going to be in awe at how severely separated I was/am from my emotions. I'm realizing that I don't have socially acceptable emotions, either. Even while reading books on how to feel emotions and CPTSD, my experience doesn't really fit into their descriptions. I have a lot of disassociation as my core emotion. Beneath that, terror and indescribable fear. Plenty of insecurity. Some bitterness and rage that occasionally rises to the surface, but it's kept so deceptively covered by my disassociation that I forget that I have it a lot of the time. And when my rage and anger does come to the surface, it feels constipated and dulled and out of control at the same time. Some people can feel angry and generally know where it comes from, and can fully feel anger. My anger is a soupy, grey mix of many conflicting emotions that try and fight each other for suppression.
And this entire emotional dance is a perfectly logical response to the horror that I went through. I had to disassociate to distance myself from being both scared and disgusted at my immediate environment. I was scared out of my mind over what threat, criticism or death scenario was going to be thrown my way next. Insecure from both parents emotionally neglecting me. Bitterness and rage from it all, but I couldn't express any of it, lest I be punished even further.
Through nature and 'nurture' my particular brain chemistry was created. Intuitively I want to say that maybe 5% of my illness is truly genetic in nature, straight from my momma type scenario. Repeating the phrase, "My early childhood experiences created my brain structure, and it caused me to do/say that" is so much better than reverting to low self esteem thoughts. In fact low self esteem thoughts are biologically based responses as well. They aren't true; but they are just coping mechanisms that are easily accessed.
Sunday, July 1, 2018
Progress and tears
Today seems to be a day of crying therapy for me...but these tears are of a different quality than those of the past. They feel more difficult to eek out, with softer whimpers and a deeper sadness. In short, it feels like I am crying from my soul. I am expressing what is on the inside, rather than crying and responding to a situation or difficult mental state.
For years I've cried, but the tears never brought true relief. They never brought genuine shift. The crying sessions were almost painful, too. My eyes would swell up, the headaches sharp. Now I get headaches, but it feels like my brain is growing. I assume its a very mild type of seizure. A lot of bipolar medications are the same medications used to treat seizure disorders. I can feel my brain tense up in strong or subtle ways as I practice somatic awareness of my emotions and body. Its different than a headache, because it genuinely feels internal, rather than achy muscles on the surface of my head.
I'm just thankful that I'm entering into emotions, because for awhile there, I was just intensely shaking from the trapped trauma energy. It was years of fight or flight energy, finally being felt. That's what was so confusing for so long -- I would hear the phrase "feel your feelings" and I was confused, because when I looked inside, I had none. I only had disassociation, and piles of fear. There wasn't discernible anger, or disappointment, just large swaths of numbness. After three and a half months of consistent somatic awareness, I am finally crying tears and feeling actual emotion. Yes there were emotions all along the way, but they were covered in a thick blanket of disassociation. I can feel a bit of the fog lift this weekend.
This weekend some plans fell through, and I am feeling particularly despondent about it. I also feel sad because I could have gone to these events (or other events) and made new friends, but I was feeling particularly frozen and unfunctioning. I feel frustrated that the increase of Vraylar didn't work out, so now I am stuck waiting another long month until I see my doctor again. I want to try a low dose of Zoloft on top of the Vraylar that I am already taking. Right now my symptoms are expressing as severe depression as my mood has stabilized. The upside, is that I am on the lowest dose of Vraylar and I don't feel the pull to impulsiveness or mood swings. Somatic work has really taken the worst of my mood swings, and transmuted the energy into more stability.
Hypo mania is just an extreme flight response for me. In PTSD terms, that's the need to escape a situation. And hypo mania is pure escapism. Shopping, sex, distraction, insomnia (insomnia is a fantastic numbing agent. When you're exhausted, you can't feel a damn thing).
Now I just need to deal with waves of severe uncomfortable feelings washing over me. Some of those emotions will come to a head and have tears flow from them, but mostly I think that I am still in this restless-legs-syndrome feeling all over phase. I can feel it easing up, but its still there.
Well, here's to hoping for a little bit more emotional freedom.
For years I've cried, but the tears never brought true relief. They never brought genuine shift. The crying sessions were almost painful, too. My eyes would swell up, the headaches sharp. Now I get headaches, but it feels like my brain is growing. I assume its a very mild type of seizure. A lot of bipolar medications are the same medications used to treat seizure disorders. I can feel my brain tense up in strong or subtle ways as I practice somatic awareness of my emotions and body. Its different than a headache, because it genuinely feels internal, rather than achy muscles on the surface of my head.
I'm just thankful that I'm entering into emotions, because for awhile there, I was just intensely shaking from the trapped trauma energy. It was years of fight or flight energy, finally being felt. That's what was so confusing for so long -- I would hear the phrase "feel your feelings" and I was confused, because when I looked inside, I had none. I only had disassociation, and piles of fear. There wasn't discernible anger, or disappointment, just large swaths of numbness. After three and a half months of consistent somatic awareness, I am finally crying tears and feeling actual emotion. Yes there were emotions all along the way, but they were covered in a thick blanket of disassociation. I can feel a bit of the fog lift this weekend.
This weekend some plans fell through, and I am feeling particularly despondent about it. I also feel sad because I could have gone to these events (or other events) and made new friends, but I was feeling particularly frozen and unfunctioning. I feel frustrated that the increase of Vraylar didn't work out, so now I am stuck waiting another long month until I see my doctor again. I want to try a low dose of Zoloft on top of the Vraylar that I am already taking. Right now my symptoms are expressing as severe depression as my mood has stabilized. The upside, is that I am on the lowest dose of Vraylar and I don't feel the pull to impulsiveness or mood swings. Somatic work has really taken the worst of my mood swings, and transmuted the energy into more stability.
Hypo mania is just an extreme flight response for me. In PTSD terms, that's the need to escape a situation. And hypo mania is pure escapism. Shopping, sex, distraction, insomnia (insomnia is a fantastic numbing agent. When you're exhausted, you can't feel a damn thing).
Now I just need to deal with waves of severe uncomfortable feelings washing over me. Some of those emotions will come to a head and have tears flow from them, but mostly I think that I am still in this restless-legs-syndrome feeling all over phase. I can feel it easing up, but its still there.
Well, here's to hoping for a little bit more emotional freedom.
Thursday, June 28, 2018
robots into humans
When I started recovery in 2009, Law of Attraction and the idea that we can reprogram our subconscious was all the rage. I do see some value in positive statements as a way of temporary, mild self soothing, but it hasn't netted me any genuine change. Becoming more human has.
Becoming more human for me, means to throw away the idea that I am a computer program that can be re programmed, re booted. In my personal theory-mindscape, emotions come first, and when they can be fully felt, they can then offer us different thoughts. I have negative thoughts in my mind, because I have painful energy stored in my body, my cells.
Where does the idea that we are a blank slate come from? I think in part its our culture, and another part is a desire to return to innocence. Also control. We desperately want to control our emotions, because capitalism doesn't really like it when you have emotional breakdowns. It cuts into the bottom line. Corporations are even co-opting mindfulness training as a way to pass on the responsibility of surviving harsh work environments onto their employees. You're either in the Now or you're not, just follow the program, re-program your mind to be in the NOW and you'll feel BETTER, DAMMIT.
In trauma recovery work, I hate mindfulness. It's somatic work all the way for me, baby. Traditional Buddhism encourages mindfulness of the body before one begins to become mindful of the environment. But the mindfulness I see in the West doesn't really encourage that. Yet another way that the West is obsessed with external circumstances, rather than the humanness of the individual. Because when you go into the body, you are confronted with pain. Immense pain. Pain from the past. And Truth. And with Truth comes change. And for as much as America seems to embrace change, we don't like genuine change. We derive a sense of safety from keeping that core sense that some type of oppression is necessary for society to function properly. Individually that looks like sacrificing your personal time for the sake of the company, collectively that looks like 'minimum wage can't change and poverty must remain in order for society to function'.
Rather quickly, connecting to one's actual, genuine emotions connects one to politics. With the current cry of 'let's not make this into a political issue', it's almost a rallying cry to keep emotions suppressed and away from the present moment. It's also important to note the correlation between mental health and economic stability, and we must confront the reality that if we want to improve mental health in this country, we must guarantee more abundance for all -- abundance of rest, time, work, play, money, food, healthcare.
I must admit, I do hope that in the back of my mind, LOA (Law of Attraction) is somewhat real. I want to be able to create abundance with how I generally feel. I hope that I can stay in my body, feeling my feelings unconditionally, and that somehow this will net me some type of physical safety. The idea of unconditional love is fascinating to me and I want to experience it in my body. While my emotions are for the most part far from unconditional love, I can at least attempt for unconditional somatic presence. I worry too much about the past and future automatically to make staying in the Now a viable goal. In the past I've just straight up quit mindfulness work, because my mind really hates my current reality. I do love change the present moment, I love the future. I think that's human.
It's very important to remind oneself of their humanness, in whatever they pursue. To allow for pain, emotion, lumpy body parts that don't always work right, mistakes, judgement. We are confronted with polished images in advertisements daily, and the stress of feeling as if we must become ideal individuals has always been a bit stressful for me. Right now my ideal dream for the future, the image that keeps me hopeful is a cozy home, surrounded by friends with bellies and wrinkles and warm conversation between us. Some bread in the oven. I think that I am quite done trying to train myself to be an isolated robot.
Becoming more human for me, means to throw away the idea that I am a computer program that can be re programmed, re booted. In my personal theory-mindscape, emotions come first, and when they can be fully felt, they can then offer us different thoughts. I have negative thoughts in my mind, because I have painful energy stored in my body, my cells.
Where does the idea that we are a blank slate come from? I think in part its our culture, and another part is a desire to return to innocence. Also control. We desperately want to control our emotions, because capitalism doesn't really like it when you have emotional breakdowns. It cuts into the bottom line. Corporations are even co-opting mindfulness training as a way to pass on the responsibility of surviving harsh work environments onto their employees. You're either in the Now or you're not, just follow the program, re-program your mind to be in the NOW and you'll feel BETTER, DAMMIT.
In trauma recovery work, I hate mindfulness. It's somatic work all the way for me, baby. Traditional Buddhism encourages mindfulness of the body before one begins to become mindful of the environment. But the mindfulness I see in the West doesn't really encourage that. Yet another way that the West is obsessed with external circumstances, rather than the humanness of the individual. Because when you go into the body, you are confronted with pain. Immense pain. Pain from the past. And Truth. And with Truth comes change. And for as much as America seems to embrace change, we don't like genuine change. We derive a sense of safety from keeping that core sense that some type of oppression is necessary for society to function properly. Individually that looks like sacrificing your personal time for the sake of the company, collectively that looks like 'minimum wage can't change and poverty must remain in order for society to function'.
Rather quickly, connecting to one's actual, genuine emotions connects one to politics. With the current cry of 'let's not make this into a political issue', it's almost a rallying cry to keep emotions suppressed and away from the present moment. It's also important to note the correlation between mental health and economic stability, and we must confront the reality that if we want to improve mental health in this country, we must guarantee more abundance for all -- abundance of rest, time, work, play, money, food, healthcare.
I must admit, I do hope that in the back of my mind, LOA (Law of Attraction) is somewhat real. I want to be able to create abundance with how I generally feel. I hope that I can stay in my body, feeling my feelings unconditionally, and that somehow this will net me some type of physical safety. The idea of unconditional love is fascinating to me and I want to experience it in my body. While my emotions are for the most part far from unconditional love, I can at least attempt for unconditional somatic presence. I worry too much about the past and future automatically to make staying in the Now a viable goal. In the past I've just straight up quit mindfulness work, because my mind really hates my current reality. I do love change the present moment, I love the future. I think that's human.
It's very important to remind oneself of their humanness, in whatever they pursue. To allow for pain, emotion, lumpy body parts that don't always work right, mistakes, judgement. We are confronted with polished images in advertisements daily, and the stress of feeling as if we must become ideal individuals has always been a bit stressful for me. Right now my ideal dream for the future, the image that keeps me hopeful is a cozy home, surrounded by friends with bellies and wrinkles and warm conversation between us. Some bread in the oven. I think that I am quite done trying to train myself to be an isolated robot.
Monday, June 18, 2018
An Impression
I guess that it would be good to preface with where I was, from where I am now. What's worked what hasn't.
Where I was: I was fresh from dropping out of art school, desperate for healing and answers. I had already tried EMDR, EFT, medication (which failed and the psychiatrist later apologized to me for his conduct throughout the ordeal. I can't remember the details but I think that he went on vacation for awhile and didn't tell me), yoga, Nichiren Buddhism (a spiritual community), energy medicine, positive thinking, and I had haphazardly done some mild somatic therapy during my chanting sessions for Buddhism that I was involved in. Long story short I needed to be in residential treatment for trauma but Insurance doesn't like paying for that so I was left to flounder within my own mind for far too long. My mind would continually put things into good and bad categories. I would tell myself that there was grey area, that life and healing was supposed to be a varied thing, but the nature of trauma demands that only 2 categories exist, so as to keep me safe and my decisions simple.
Only until recently have I realized how bad my paranoia was as well. My mother's mental illness taught me that I was going to get murdered, abducted, and raped at any moment. Around age 11 I volunteered with a friend at the library and the local newspaper did a small, boring story on us. My mother told the reporter that if my name was in the paper, I was going to be raped and murdered. So when the paper was published, I saw my name as Edna Murdoch or something and I was so confused. My mother called the reporter stupid for such a mistake. I only learned of this story years after the fact from family.
My paranoia manifested as very fleeting thoughts that would make me automatically scared of the most banal things. Every decision I made, my paranoia was there to help me make it. If I wanted to ask a question about something on a forum, I would be opening myself up to ridicule and attack. If I wanted to eat fast food, I was exposing myself to obesity and rapid ageing. Now these paranoid thoughts almost seem rational, right? The internet can be cruel, and fast food can be a factor in some cases of obesity. Not to mention the paranoia of the diet industry that is meant to seep into one's subconscious via effective marketing. But I would get so scared of asking questions, that I wouldn't. And when I ate fast food I was consumed by immense guilt and panic afterwards, constantly checking my belly for signs of instant obesity.
Oh and I had a case of anorexia, orthorexia, and exercise bulimia with bingeing as well. When I went to my doctor at the time she said I didn't have an eating disorder, but disordered eating. That statement made me terrified of seeking help for eating disorders, because I wasn't 98 lbs. At one point I was 105, but that same doctor said that I was right on the verge of being underweight, but I'll be fine. I had adults left and right congratulating me on my thinness as a kid. Both adults and professionals continually let me down as a young person. I'm amazed that I am alive today.
But I'm getting emotional and triggered so I need to set this blog entry down for today. Cheers.
Where I was: I was fresh from dropping out of art school, desperate for healing and answers. I had already tried EMDR, EFT, medication (which failed and the psychiatrist later apologized to me for his conduct throughout the ordeal. I can't remember the details but I think that he went on vacation for awhile and didn't tell me), yoga, Nichiren Buddhism (a spiritual community), energy medicine, positive thinking, and I had haphazardly done some mild somatic therapy during my chanting sessions for Buddhism that I was involved in. Long story short I needed to be in residential treatment for trauma but Insurance doesn't like paying for that so I was left to flounder within my own mind for far too long. My mind would continually put things into good and bad categories. I would tell myself that there was grey area, that life and healing was supposed to be a varied thing, but the nature of trauma demands that only 2 categories exist, so as to keep me safe and my decisions simple.
Only until recently have I realized how bad my paranoia was as well. My mother's mental illness taught me that I was going to get murdered, abducted, and raped at any moment. Around age 11 I volunteered with a friend at the library and the local newspaper did a small, boring story on us. My mother told the reporter that if my name was in the paper, I was going to be raped and murdered. So when the paper was published, I saw my name as Edna Murdoch or something and I was so confused. My mother called the reporter stupid for such a mistake. I only learned of this story years after the fact from family.
My paranoia manifested as very fleeting thoughts that would make me automatically scared of the most banal things. Every decision I made, my paranoia was there to help me make it. If I wanted to ask a question about something on a forum, I would be opening myself up to ridicule and attack. If I wanted to eat fast food, I was exposing myself to obesity and rapid ageing. Now these paranoid thoughts almost seem rational, right? The internet can be cruel, and fast food can be a factor in some cases of obesity. Not to mention the paranoia of the diet industry that is meant to seep into one's subconscious via effective marketing. But I would get so scared of asking questions, that I wouldn't. And when I ate fast food I was consumed by immense guilt and panic afterwards, constantly checking my belly for signs of instant obesity.
Oh and I had a case of anorexia, orthorexia, and exercise bulimia with bingeing as well. When I went to my doctor at the time she said I didn't have an eating disorder, but disordered eating. That statement made me terrified of seeking help for eating disorders, because I wasn't 98 lbs. At one point I was 105, but that same doctor said that I was right on the verge of being underweight, but I'll be fine. I had adults left and right congratulating me on my thinness as a kid. Both adults and professionals continually let me down as a young person. I'm amazed that I am alive today.
But I'm getting emotional and triggered so I need to set this blog entry down for today. Cheers.
Saturday, June 16, 2018
A bad intro to a sweeter future
I think that I need to start blogging on mental health. It's time. I need to tell my story, my continuing story. I've been hidden for too long. My mental illness has demanded that I hide at all costs, and now I'm defying it in the best way possible. It gonna be good I can feel it. Things are a changin.
Right now I'm sitting with a wee bit of chronic pain in my shoulders. But, if I stay aware of it, it'll dissipate and then shift somewhere else in my body. If I am honest with myself, I've had this type of chronic pain since I was a kid. I would always get it during art making, I thought that it was due to strain. But its really just trapped trauma energy, and when the energy speeds up within me, boom some intense, localized pain. If you're gonna read my blog you're gonna have to get used to me describing things in terms of energy a lot, it's the only way that I can succinctly describe my experience. In the world of invisible illness, you're going to have to talk in invisible terms.
I can feel an art show coming together and its bitter sweet. Too many years spent in bed, confused about healing, and NOW I am just starting to get it...at 29. I earnestly started to heal at 15, looking towards Nichiren Buddhism to save me. While it didn't accomplish anything that it promised, it at least got me talking to people who encouraged me to go to therapy and read self help books. I have this problem from my trauma where I feel terrified of doing my own research most days, so I am reliant upon recommendations from others. If anyone else has difficult quirks from trauma let me know, because this quirk is frustrating beyond belief. My whole body will seize up and ill get filled with fear at the thought of looking up a thing that I want to look up. After 10 years of psychoanalysis I think that it might be from my mother attempting to control so many details of my life that I am filled with fear when I step outside of this invisible box that I left 12 years ago, when I left home for school.
I want to keep the entries short and sweet and easy to digest. I think I'll end it here for now.
Right now I'm sitting with a wee bit of chronic pain in my shoulders. But, if I stay aware of it, it'll dissipate and then shift somewhere else in my body. If I am honest with myself, I've had this type of chronic pain since I was a kid. I would always get it during art making, I thought that it was due to strain. But its really just trapped trauma energy, and when the energy speeds up within me, boom some intense, localized pain. If you're gonna read my blog you're gonna have to get used to me describing things in terms of energy a lot, it's the only way that I can succinctly describe my experience. In the world of invisible illness, you're going to have to talk in invisible terms.
I can feel an art show coming together and its bitter sweet. Too many years spent in bed, confused about healing, and NOW I am just starting to get it...at 29. I earnestly started to heal at 15, looking towards Nichiren Buddhism to save me. While it didn't accomplish anything that it promised, it at least got me talking to people who encouraged me to go to therapy and read self help books. I have this problem from my trauma where I feel terrified of doing my own research most days, so I am reliant upon recommendations from others. If anyone else has difficult quirks from trauma let me know, because this quirk is frustrating beyond belief. My whole body will seize up and ill get filled with fear at the thought of looking up a thing that I want to look up. After 10 years of psychoanalysis I think that it might be from my mother attempting to control so many details of my life that I am filled with fear when I step outside of this invisible box that I left 12 years ago, when I left home for school.
I want to keep the entries short and sweet and easy to digest. I think I'll end it here for now.
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