When I started recovery in 2009, Law of Attraction and the idea that we can reprogram our subconscious was all the rage. I do see some value in positive statements as a way of temporary, mild self soothing, but it hasn't netted me any genuine change. Becoming more human has.
Becoming more human for me, means to throw away the idea that I am a computer program that can be re programmed, re booted. In my personal theory-mindscape, emotions come first, and when they can be fully felt, they can then offer us different thoughts. I have negative thoughts in my mind, because I have painful energy stored in my body, my cells.
Where does the idea that we are a blank slate come from? I think in part its our culture, and another part is a desire to return to innocence. Also control. We desperately want to control our emotions, because capitalism doesn't really like it when you have emotional breakdowns. It cuts into the bottom line. Corporations are even co-opting mindfulness training as a way to pass on the responsibility of surviving harsh work environments onto their employees. You're either in the Now or you're not, just follow the program, re-program your mind to be in the NOW and you'll feel BETTER, DAMMIT.
In trauma recovery work, I hate mindfulness. It's somatic work all the way for me, baby. Traditional Buddhism encourages mindfulness of the body before one begins to become mindful of the environment. But the mindfulness I see in the West doesn't really encourage that. Yet another way that the West is obsessed with external circumstances, rather than the humanness of the individual. Because when you go into the body, you are confronted with pain. Immense pain. Pain from the past. And Truth. And with Truth comes change. And for as much as America seems to embrace change, we don't like genuine change. We derive a sense of safety from keeping that core sense that some type of oppression is necessary for society to function properly. Individually that looks like sacrificing your personal time for the sake of the company, collectively that looks like 'minimum wage can't change and poverty must remain in order for society to function'.
Rather quickly, connecting to one's actual, genuine emotions connects one to politics. With the current cry of 'let's not make this into a political issue', it's almost a rallying cry to keep emotions suppressed and away from the present moment. It's also important to note the correlation between mental health and economic stability, and we must confront the reality that if we want to improve mental health in this country, we must guarantee more abundance for all -- abundance of rest, time, work, play, money, food, healthcare.
I must admit, I do hope that in the back of my mind, LOA (Law of Attraction) is somewhat real. I want to be able to create abundance with how I generally feel. I hope that I can stay in my body, feeling my feelings unconditionally, and that somehow this will net me some type of physical safety. The idea of unconditional love is fascinating to me and I want to experience it in my body. While my emotions are for the most part far from unconditional love, I can at least attempt for unconditional somatic presence. I worry too much about the past and future automatically to make staying in the Now a viable goal. In the past I've just straight up quit mindfulness work, because my mind really hates my current reality. I do love change the present moment, I love the future. I think that's human.
It's very important to remind oneself of their humanness, in whatever they pursue. To allow for pain, emotion, lumpy body parts that don't always work right, mistakes, judgement. We are confronted with polished images in advertisements daily, and the stress of feeling as if we must become ideal individuals has always been a bit stressful for me. Right now my ideal dream for the future, the image that keeps me hopeful is a cozy home, surrounded by friends with bellies and wrinkles and warm conversation between us. Some bread in the oven. I think that I am quite done trying to train myself to be an isolated robot.
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