I'm finding such solace in knowing that my illness is biologically based, but not in the definition set out by psychiatry. There's isn't a set of pills that I can chemically plug into my particular brain chemistry and elicit a satisfactory life from. But the early childhood trauma that I have experienced absolutely set up my brain to be dysfunctional, with pills and CBT providing only band aid relief. Somatic Experiencing therapy to the rescue.
I almost have a sense of pride in knowing that my brain structure was forever altered from my childhood. It helps me to navigate the current mental health system with more ease. My self diagnosis of CPTSD (Complex PTSD; my nurse practitioner has given me the diagnosis of PTSD) has afforded me a particular clarity of both self esteem and mind. Because knowing that you're fucked up takes its toll on your self worth after awhile. Realizing that my unwanted idiosyncrasies and neurosis are biological and can't really be controlled gives me relief. Yet they ARE improving, slowly, with just being unconditionally present with them.
I'm always going to be in awe at how severely separated I was/am from my emotions. I'm realizing that I don't have socially acceptable emotions, either. Even while reading books on how to feel emotions and CPTSD, my experience doesn't really fit into their descriptions. I have a lot of disassociation as my core emotion. Beneath that, terror and indescribable fear. Plenty of insecurity. Some bitterness and rage that occasionally rises to the surface, but it's kept so deceptively covered by my disassociation that I forget that I have it a lot of the time. And when my rage and anger does come to the surface, it feels constipated and dulled and out of control at the same time. Some people can feel angry and generally know where it comes from, and can fully feel anger. My anger is a soupy, grey mix of many conflicting emotions that try and fight each other for suppression.
And this entire emotional dance is a perfectly logical response to the horror that I went through. I had to disassociate to distance myself from being both scared and disgusted at my immediate environment. I was scared out of my mind over what threat, criticism or death scenario was going to be thrown my way next. Insecure from both parents emotionally neglecting me. Bitterness and rage from it all, but I couldn't express any of it, lest I be punished even further.
Through nature and 'nurture' my particular brain chemistry was created. Intuitively I want to say that maybe 5% of my illness is truly genetic in nature, straight from my momma type scenario. Repeating the phrase, "My early childhood experiences created my brain structure, and it caused me to do/say that" is so much better than reverting to low self esteem thoughts. In fact low self esteem thoughts are biologically based responses as well. They aren't true; but they are just coping mechanisms that are easily accessed.
Hey Kat. Good read -- you are much more concise a writer than I. Yes, trauma and childhood, imho, are at least 95% of mental illness. And I feel compelled to say, sure, it can't be "controlled", but trauma -- all trauma -- can be processed and healed. A lot depends on what resources one finds, a lot depends on what work someone is willing and able to tackle -- some people can never get out of survival mode, for instance. And some of that is luck for sure. But it is possible to recover. Partial recovery may be more typical but even that means it's possible to have a richer, happier, better life than one has had so far, with healing happening.
ReplyDeleteI had someone today say to me that they recognized a stage of healing I am at -- a professional person. I had same thought in reading your post. You are at a stage, and moving forwards. Don't overestimate how "forever" the impact of that childhood must be.
Glad you are writing and sharing. It's an important part of the process.