This is about the 4 month mark for practicing somatic therapy on my own, and I've hit my goal: I am solidly and unequivocally depressed all the time. From what I can tell, my major mood shifts into hypomania have settled considerably, my suicidal thoughts have gone down, and my extreme restless feelings have abated mostly. It's been a goal and dream of mine for a long time, to be JUST depressed. I still have some black and white splitting from some of my aspects of borderline personality disorder (I don't qualify for a full diagnosis, but I do identify with some of the diagnostic list), but I am able to check in with friends and describe my experience and feel my way to a more logical standpoint.
Im waiting for some Danish pastry dough to rise, so I am very thankful that I had enough energy to start that project. Now, the dishes, ugh. I've also managed to enroll back into school. I need a degree and it's always been a dream of mine to be a therapist. I think that it's both a bit dodgy and excellent to have a diagnosis and pursue a degree in psychology, and eventually, my masters. Dodgy because of burnout and exposure to others' trauma, and excellent because lived experience does count.
Excuse me while I interrupt this blog to report that it feels like my soul has been ripped from my body and nothing remains.
Anywho, thats what depression feels like in general for me. Vast nothingness. And not in the peaceful, contemplative of the cosmos type feel. More like bombed out post WW2 feels.
And thats all that I can manage for this blog for today. I need to go fully feel my psychological pain now. I hope to wax poetic about all this a bit better but for now, this is my best.
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