An Impression

I guess that it would be good to preface with where I was, from where I am now.  What's worked what hasn't. 

Where I was: I was fresh from dropping out of art school, desperate for healing and answers.  I had already tried EMDR, EFT, medication (which failed and the psychiatrist later apologized to me for his conduct throughout the ordeal.  I can't remember the details but I think that he went on vacation for awhile and didn't tell me), yoga, Nichiren Buddhism (a spiritual community), energy medicine, positive thinking, and I had haphazardly done some mild somatic therapy during my chanting sessions for Buddhism that I was involved in.  Long story short I needed to be in residential treatment for trauma but Insurance doesn't like paying for that so I was left to flounder within my own mind for far too long.  My mind would continually put things into good and bad categories.  I would tell myself that there was grey area, that life and healing was supposed to be a varied thing, but the nature of trauma demands that only 2 categories exist, so as to keep me safe and my decisions simple. 

Only until recently have I realized how bad my paranoia was as well.  My mother's mental illness taught me that I was going to get murdered, abducted, and raped at any moment.  Around age 11 I volunteered with a friend at the library and the local newspaper did a small, boring story on us.  My mother told the reporter that if my name was in the paper, I was going to be raped and murdered.  So when the paper was published, I saw my name as Edna Murdoch or something and I was so confused.  My mother called the reporter stupid for such a mistake.  I only learned of this story years after the fact from family. 

My paranoia manifested as very fleeting thoughts that would make me automatically scared of the most banal things.  Every decision I made, my paranoia was there to help me make it.  If I wanted to ask a question about something on a forum, I would be opening myself up to ridicule and attack.  If I wanted to eat fast food, I was exposing myself to obesity and rapid ageing.  Now these paranoid thoughts almost seem rational, right?  The internet can be cruel, and fast food can be a factor in some cases of obesity.  Not to mention the paranoia of the diet industry that is meant to seep into one's subconscious via effective marketing.  But I would get so scared of asking questions, that I wouldn't.  And when I ate fast food I was consumed by immense guilt and panic afterwards, constantly checking my belly for signs of instant obesity. 

Oh and I had a case of anorexia, orthorexia, and exercise bulimia with bingeing as well.  When I went to my doctor at the time she said I didn't have an eating disorder, but disordered eating.  That statement made me terrified of seeking help for eating disorders, because I wasn't 98 lbs.  At one point I was 105, but that same doctor said that I was right on the verge of being underweight, but I'll be fine.  I had adults left and right congratulating me on my thinness as a kid.  Both adults and professionals continually let me down as a young person.  I'm amazed that I am alive today.

But I'm getting emotional and triggered so I need to set this blog entry down for today.  Cheers.