Today is not a good day. Endless sadness. Endless. Too nervous to get a project started. Too depressed to finish projects. The only way that I know how to survive this feeling is to waste time online, telling myself that this too, shall pass. Even procrastination gets old REAL fast. I don't like wasting time, I would prefer to be involved in something, but when leaving your own home seems terrifying, you work with it in the best way possible.
I am planning on working up the courage to go to the pharmacy today, and to pick up my prescription for Latuda. Even though my boyfriend doesn't want me to get back on meds, I really have no idea what else to do. I just cancelled my appointment with a Traditional Chinese Medicine doctor, and now I am somewhat regretting it. I am wondering if it is yet another missing piece to the puzzle. I practice and play with different herbs and get decent enough results, but it would be nice to work with a professional on this matter. The cost is a bit much, however. I can afford it if I dip into savings, but I worry that I will need my savings to buy groceries and pay for other general necessities once my father is no longer here.
I can't help but notice how much nicer my skin looks now that I am continuing to withdraw from Wellbutrin. It really helps my self esteem a lot to have that aspect of my life in order. Acne is so difficult to ignore. Impossible, really. My skin just feels very glowy, very full of good blood and warmth and health. It's kind of a dream come true (I've struggled with acne since I was around 11. I remember getting my first pimple, and thinking "Well, this is the end of my innocence. I guess I'll have to put up with this crap for some time.").
Funnily enough, my current blase attitude and feeling that I can't quite get going is pretty much identical to where I was by being on 300mg of Wellbutrin XL, 20mg of Prozac, and 0.5 mg of Klonapin three times a day. But with that combo, I had much much less energy, more dizziness, and zero interest in facebook, socializing, or interest in much of anything. TV always seemed like a great idea. Oh, and the complete lack of libido and numbness of sexual or erotic feeling was killer. I may have just a touch more suicidal ideation while off of my medication, but at least I can feel sex, have enough energy to do the dishes, and dream about my future and projects. I think it's obvious that the pros far outweigh the cons!
But will Latuda fare any better? I'm planning on micro-dosing, because my gut tells me to. God damn. I could, honestly should, write a whole other post about how intuition is so essential for figuring out a medication combo that works. To resolve health issues. To determine whether you can trust a person or not. In short, it's just really effing essential.
Anyways, back on Latuda micro-dosing: I'm hoping that less than 10mg can affect my mood somewhat. I'm not looking for a complete overhaul, I'm not looking for a huge change, just a subtle leveling out. I still don't understand why dosages of medication aren't tailored to each individual. Each person is a different body weight, but there is one recommended dose, it seems. To me, finding the right dosage doesn't look like a line graph, where with more meds you get less symptoms. It's more like a bell curve, where you have a "sweet spot" where the medication is being metabolized properly, without too much un-metabolized product just floating around the body causing chaos. I just feel that even the more conservative doctors prescribe far too much. When I was working with my last doctor, I mentioned to reduce Wellbutrin so that more Prozac could be added. Nope, he said. More Prozac. After one week I was feeling very fucked up, just very drugged, with nausea and blurred vision. I feel like the liver has only so much real estate and metabolites to process so much drug in a given day. And then to add an adjunct medication, you may need to reduce the current one so that there is enough resources for the body to process the drug.
I wonder if psychiatric medication can be diluted like a homeopathic remedy. I wonder if that would be effective. I winder if we can all sit around a circle and say a prayer to the active ingredient, to make it more effective. It's funny to picture big pharma reps attempting to get down and spiritual in a hut in the Amazon. What if, after we have an alternative medicine revolution, they decide to re-brand and start using the USDA organic label to sell more small batch Prozac. They can get attentive hipsters and off white paper to make them seem more granola. I am looking forward to this, for the laughs!
I'll talk to my naturopathic doctor tomorrow about trying TCM (Traditional Chinese Medicine). It might be helpful, it might be horrendously disappointing. I may mourn the loss of some dollars. I may get tense excitement that it works, and then start worrying about how to keep affording it. But if a treatment can get me back to working and getting an income, then it's totally worth it to me. I have so many ideas for income, I just need the stability and energy to do it. I pray that I can get there.
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